It feels so great to be home.
Do you ever have one of those seasons when life is just upside down and crazy? And you feel like you can’t quite get caught up because something else comes your way? That’s been us. For 6 months.
Recently, we had a very interesting month. The first 7-10 days, Jay and C were sick. Soon after, I apparently became jealous of the attention and developed viral meningitis, which earned me a night’s stay in the ER. Once home, the headaches continued. I could barely sit up for an hour before stumbling back to my dimly lit bedroom-cave to sip Gatorade and watch reruns of Reba.
Meanwhile, my sweet husband was trying to be “husband to the sick wife”, the “daddy and mommy to the little one”, and “Children’s Pastor who’s trying to get things ready for VBS the next week.” We finally decided my pitiful state needed extra attention, so we drove halfway across Texas and met my parents. Corbin and I stayed with them for a week before I flew out to Colorado for my cousin’s wedding. Jay flew out the Saturday after VBS (at 8 a.m.!) to make it in time for the wedding. Then, we drove back. From Colorado. To Amarillo. Then Plano. Then Kaufman. Then Houston.
And now we’re home.
As we were driving across Texas, I kept thinking, It’s going to be so great to be home. I was so tired of hearing Siri’s navigation say things like, “For 286 miles, keep straight.” Well thanks, Siri. That’s encouraging. Time is just FLYING BY now!
We pulled into the garage, and I felt totally relieved…for like 12 hours.
Wednesday morning, Jay got up and went to work, and Corbin and I stayed here. At home. The place where I wanted to be since being stuck in the ER or the plane or the rental car. For a few hours, I felt super restful and peaceful. And then discontentment set in.
I looked around my house and realized it was messy. Someone should really clean that. Corbin wakes up with his signature good morning line: “Mommy, I eat.” Someone should feed him. (Lucky for me, Jay did.)
Suddenly, I was bored again and lacking motivation to clean or cook or shop for groceries. I started browsing the internet for local job postings, trying to find something to do. Sure, there was plenty to do here, but I don’t want to do any of that stuff. I want to do something else.
To be truthful, I’ve been so very bored ever since staying home. Just to be clear, I chose it in the beginning. I really wanted to stay home for the first year with Corbin. I wanted to see all the firsts–the first roll, the first taste of real food, the first steps…all of it. And I did. But around day 366, I realized I missed working. Like a lot. I missed interacting with adults. I missed being productive. I missed being able to measure the success of my day. I want to do more than this.
Now, I find it difficult to get out of my pajamas, much less shower or cook. I’ve had some well meaning friends tell me to treat my house like my job–to make lists and to be organized. And I have tried that. I’ve been on Pinterest, trying to find ways to make my house beautiful. I’ve googled every menu planning website, trying to make sure we’re under budget and eating healthy. I’ve researched ways to keep my child engaged and busy, so I can have some time to myself without feeling guilty about turning on Dora. I’ve tried it all.
But really, I’m just sad…and bored…and discontent.
And today, I read this blog post from Barren to Beautiful that perfectly sums up what I feel. It’s convicting and hard to read, but so very true. The excerpt below is my favorite part. She’s talking about that moment when she’s totally broken, feeling completely unsuccessful with her day, and she imagines her daughter speaking to her, directing her thoughts back to the truth of Jesus’ words.
Do you remember the nights you cried on the bathroom floor in the dark? When the pregnancy tests sat negative in the trash can? Remember when my nursery was just a storage room? A place for you and Daddy to throw your junk? Remember how you longed to brush my hair with your fingers, to sing me lullabies, to hold me close? And now I’m here.
Am I enough?
When there’s dishes in the sink, and your skinny jeans sag from all the bending, and dinner’s ingredients still sit on the shelves of the supermarket, because your days are full, full of me. Am I worth your attention? Am I an accomplishment?
Am I enough?
You kept me safe today Momma, you kept me alive. You kept me fed, and rested. You played with me, and made me laugh. Does that count Momma? Am I one of your goals Momma? Just to be together? Even if no one sees it? Or knows it?
Am I enough?
Tell me Momma, did you think I’d be different? Did you hope I’d be different? Do you see me? I’m right here Momma, the answer to your sobbing prayers. But now that I’m here, is there something else you want Momma, to feel good? Do I make your day count Momma?
Am I enough?
And suddenly, the voice changes. My heart wrenches. The Spirit of God begins to whisper, making the table under my wet cheek feel more like the chest of God. And suddenly I know He’s near.
Lord, let me be content in my season. Be near.