In my last post, I mentioned I’m reading a book by Glahn and Cutrer, titled When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden. If you haven’t read Part One, I encourage you to check it out below or here. This post will make a lot more sense after reading it.
I talked with Jay a little last night about my desire to name the baby. As usual, he’s super supportive and onboard. Trying to come up with a name for a baby is hard enough without the added circumstances. Plus, how do we announce that? Do we just start using it and then hope everyone catches on? Do we send something out or tell everyone in private? I imagine it will be posted here at some point, but I don’t know if that’s all we want to do. I’m still working through that.
I’m now in chapter 15, which is a chapter about Secondary Infertility. Couples diagnosed with this have conceived and delivered a child, but now are unable to conceive after trying for a year.
To be honest, I’m still having trouble considering us as a couple struggling with infertility. It doesn’t make much sense to me. How could we have become pregnant with Corbin, and then accidentally pregnant with Baby Starfish, and now be facing infertility? Apparently, that’s a common issue with those struggling with Secondary Infertility. Additionally, and may be because of the denial of a problem, this type of infertility is undertreated–meaning people don’t seek treatment or help.
I know this has been my issue.
We just need to try harder, read more research, pray more, etc…then we will get pregnant.
This mindset has driven me crazy. As a Christian, I know that God has a will for my life–a good and perfect will. I also know that, in the times I’ve tried to rely on myself for good decisions, it has ended badly. I mean like, Why on earth would you possibly think that was the way to go? type decisions.
The thing is, I know these things about my God. But living them out? That’s tough stuff.
I think I’m trying to find the line between relying on Him and seeking my own way. For example, if the Lord’s will is that we won’t seek infertility treatment, then I don’t want to do that. However, He has given us the ability to treat some forms of interftility. Doctors are able to do amazing things to help couples with this issue. (This is where things got fuzzy for me. Fertility drugs, ARTs, IVF, GIFT, ICSI, DI, Surrogacy.) Gracious.
I want to be in His will. I don’t want to push my husband and my son down a path that’s not meant for us because I can’t let go of a dream. But I also don’t want to neglect to pursue an avenue that He has chosen for us due to fear, lack of money, or lack of faith.
So we’re planning to discuss these avenues, weighing the options/risks closely and trying to monitor His will vs. our own. Pray for that as you think of it.
The next chapter is titled, When Resolution Doesn’t Mean Conception.
Lord. Please give me strength.