A Day in the Life

The pain of not being able to have a second child hits at weird moments for me.

Often times, I’m totally involved in my day-to-day activities when someone does or says something that makes my heart wince. It’s almost always an accident, just in my head, or someone making polite conversation. Sometimes it’s funny. Sometimes it’s not.

The readers struggling with secondary infertility understand this. It’s the lady at the daycare center, “So you’re just enrolling one, then?” Or the sweet friend, Fertile Myrtle, who asks when you plan on having more kids. Or the lady in playgroup who announces she’s pregnant again. Making conversation, you say, “Oh, that’s great! I didn’t know you guys were trying for another.” Oh, they weren’t…with any…of the 5 she has. Please! Give me whatever water you’re drinking!

I remind myself: Do not be envious. For everything, there is a season. 

Sometimes it’s just a random place or sign that does it. Earlier this week, I was navigating through the grocery store parking lot, when I saw an open spot near the front. Presidential parking, an ex-boyfriend of mine once called it. I start to swing in and see a sign that pulls at my heart: Expectant Mother Parking Only.

I’m not going to lie. I wanted to get out of my car and punch that pink little stork right in the face. Expect that, Jack!

But then I remembered I’m a Christian woman.

So I smiled, backed my car up and parked in the Having Difficulty Conceiving section. Ok, so that doesn’t exist, but maybe it should. It would be beneficial for others to know where all of us crazy infertility people are parking! Steer clear, is all I’m sayin’. 🙂

While these emotions may seem crazy extreme for someone looking in, they make a lot of sense to us. This book I’ve been reading has been really helpful. I’ve been able to verbalize emotions I couldn’t explain before.

Like the guilt of wanting another child: Do I not feel Corbin is enough? Am I not being content with what God’s given? Shouldn’t I just be thankful? At least I have one.

The author quotes a lady, Stacia, who describes her emotions while dealing with secondary infertility: “This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever dealt with. A nurse once told me, ‘Secondary infertility is like getting up from the dinner table when you’re still hungry.’ She was right. I know I will always feels like I’m just not finished.”

Amen, sista.

Either way, these are the cards we’ve been dealt. Jay and I are trying to work through our feelings regarding all the different options, while trying to keep our sanity as well.

Meanwhile, Corbin has been extra needy this last month. (Can’t say I mind!) He’s been asking to sleep in Mommy and Daddy’s bed all week, so tonight, we’re having a family slumber party. I love it.

I mean, look at him. C’mon. Who can refuse?

Corbin1

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12 thoughts on “A Day in the Life

  1. Donna says:

    Wow, you stated that so well!! I understand everything you said and you might have heard the AMEN! from over here! I can’t say it gets easier… my daughter is 7 almost 8 and we homeschool she’s an only. “Other options” aren’t an option for us my husband is happy with one so unless God blesses us my Joy is forever an only. The question has changed from when are you going to have more to why don’t you have more or just a curious stare and still sometimes the when question remains. It’s easier to answer when… When God decides, it’s the why that’s hard I can’t answer why, because God hasn’t allowed it, maybe that’s because I am not a good enough mom to my one? Maybe it’s because he knows the bigger struggle in my future on more than one would make that more than I can handle even with HIm. It’s never easy to be the mom of one if you want more, but it is God’s plan at this time for me/my family so I am continuing on doing what He asks of me and maybe someday I will have another, until then I move forward.

    • The questions are hard! And I have thought those very thoughts about “not being good enough” for more. I have to know that He who began a good work will carry it out! Whether that means biological children, adopted children, or children in our ministry I can “mother” by giving advice/support. Who knows. Thankful for your comment!

      Oh, and as an aside, the comment about you not being a good enough mom–preposterous! I’ve known abusive parents who have more than one child, so clearly, God doesn’t give us children based on a performance scale (PRAISE THE LORD!). 🙂 You’re doing a great job with Joy. She’s a sweet blessing. 🙂

  2. jill miller says:

    Thank you so much for sharing. Yes, I agree with Pastor Steve. The Lord is the Lord who sees. He is sovereign and faithful! Love you guys and praying for you 🙂

  3. Psalm 113:9 says that He settles the barren women as a happy mother of CHILDREN. Praise the Lord!

    I love that this verse is plural. Keep believing and keep hoping! God sees the end from the beginning and has it all mapped out for you and I believe He has placed that burning desire for another in your heart for a reason, and He will fulfill in His perfect timing. Keep hoping and never stop believing sugars! xo

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