The pain of not being able to have a second child hits at weird moments for me.
Often times, I’m totally involved in my day-to-day activities when someone does or says something that makes my heart wince. It’s almost always an accident, just in my head, or someone making polite conversation. Sometimes it’s funny. Sometimes it’s not.
The readers struggling with secondary infertility understand this. It’s the lady at the daycare center, “So you’re just enrolling one, then?” Or the sweet friend, Fertile Myrtle, who asks when you plan on having more kids. Or the lady in playgroup who announces she’s pregnant again. Making conversation, you say, “Oh, that’s great! I didn’t know you guys were trying for another.” Oh, they weren’t…with any…of the 5 she has. Please! Give me whatever water you’re drinking!
I remind myself: Do not be envious. For everything, there is a season.
Sometimes it’s just a random place or sign that does it. Earlier this week, I was navigating through the grocery store parking lot, when I saw an open spot near the front. Presidential parking, an ex-boyfriend of mine once called it. I start to swing in and see a sign that pulls at my heart: Expectant Mother Parking Only.
I’m not going to lie. I wanted to get out of my car and punch that pink little stork right in the face. Expect that, Jack!
But then I remembered I’m a Christian woman.
So I smiled, backed my car up and parked in the Having Difficulty Conceiving section. Ok, so that doesn’t exist, but maybe it should. It would be beneficial for others to know where all of us crazy infertility people are parking! Steer clear, is all I’m sayin’. 🙂
While these emotions may seem
crazy extreme for someone looking in, they make a lot of sense to us. This book I’ve been reading has been really helpful. I’ve been able to verbalize emotions I couldn’t explain before.
Like the guilt of wanting another child: Do I not feel Corbin is enough? Am I not being content with what God’s given? Shouldn’t I just be thankful? At least I have one.
The author quotes a lady, Stacia, who describes her emotions while dealing with secondary infertility: “This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever dealt with. A nurse once told me, ‘Secondary infertility is like getting up from the dinner table when you’re still hungry.’ She was right. I know I will always feels like I’m just not finished.”
Either way, these are the cards we’ve been dealt. Jay and I are trying to work through our feelings regarding all the different options, while trying to keep our sanity as well.
Meanwhile, Corbin has been extra needy this last month. (Can’t say I mind!) He’s been asking to sleep in Mommy and Daddy’s bed all week, so tonight, we’re having a family slumber party. I love it.
I mean, look at him. C’mon. Who can refuse?