Grieving What’s Lost

Today is a hard day.

Two years ago today, Jay and I lost our second baby at 10 weeks. We were blindsided by the pregnancy and even more so blindsided by the miscarriage. We had called him or her “Starfish” due to an obsession with a quote from our favorite T.V. show. Sometimes I laugh now, thinking we might’ve picked something a little less silly had we known this would be the only name we’d ever know for this child.

While most days I have much to say about grief, loss, miscarriage, and infertility, today, I don’t. I don’t have many words of wisdom or encouragement. Today I just remember…and ask you to as well. Remember to pray for us today, not so you will feel sorry for us, but so you can help bear the (heavy) burden of mourning we carry today.

It is Well

My husband and I watched You’ve Got Mail tonight. It was such a refreshing time–to sit by ourselves and watch a clean, happy movie where boy meets girl and things work out. Even if you don’t like chick flicks, you gotta love YGM. Meg Ryan? Tom Hanks? C’mon. 

Let’s do a puzzle

My sweet baby turns 3 this Sunday.

Three years ago on October 18, at 7 p.m., I strolled waddled into the hospital with contractions about a minute apart. I thought they were just more Braxton Hicks contractions, which I had since 18 weeks or so. But, just to be safe, I thought…

I still remember the nurse checking me and tell us, “You’re staying! You’re at a 7!” Holy cow.

Suddenly, everything changed.

The Scene of Martyrdom

Sometimes when I read Oswald Chambers’ book, My Utmost for His Highest, I have to slow down and reread several sentences. I blink my eyes kinda fast and zoom in on certain words or phrases that are foreign to me. Sometimes I Google a word. Not gonna lie. Sometimes I even cheat and head to the website because the version there is a little easier to read, though it’s never as beautifully worded. 

Sovereign Over Us

There are some songs that move me. 

Spiritually, not physically.

Though, let’s be honest–there are those songs, too. Cupid shuffle, anyone? Generally, these songs are reserved for weddings or silly youth ministry videos. 🙂

A Day in the Life

The pain of not being able to have a second child hits at weird moments for me.

Often times, I’m totally involved in my day-to-day activities when someone does or says something that makes my heart wince. It’s almost always an accident, just in my head, or someone making polite conversation. Sometimes it’s funny. Sometimes it’s not.

The readers struggling with secondary infertility understand this. It’s the lady at the daycare center, “So you’re just enrolling one, then?” Or the sweet friend, Fertile Myrtle, who asks when you plan on having more kids. Or the lady in playgroup who announces she’s pregnant again. Making conversation, you say, “Oh, that’s great! I didn’t know you guys were trying for another.” Oh, they weren’t…with any…of the 5 she has. Please! Give me whatever water you’re drinking!

I remind myself: Do not be envious. For everything, there is a season. 

A Heavy Burden: My Journey with Fertility/Infertility (Part Two)

In my last post, I mentioned I’m reading a book by Glahn and Cutrer, titled When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden. If you haven’t read Part One, I encourage you to check it out below or here. This post will make a lot more sense after reading it.

I talked with Jay a little last night about my desire to name the baby. As usual, he’s super supportive and onboard. Trying to come up with a name for a baby is hard enough without the added circumstances. Plus, how do we announce that? Do we just start using it and then hope everyone catches on? Do we send something out or tell everyone in private? I imagine it will be posted here at some point, but I don’t know if that’s all we want to do. I’m still working through that.

A Heavy Burden: My Journey with Fertility/Infertility (Part One)

I’ve vowed never to write a blog post with “Part One” in the title; however, some stories are too long to be told in one post. I also vowed not to write these posts as the events happened because I didn’t want people to feel uncomfortable or think I was wanting attention. But I’m reading this book, and a section on grieving really spoke to me. It basically challenged me to give my account, to rehash these events, and grieve well by doing it. So, if you’re uncomfortable, blame the book. 🙂